I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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