I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize