Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
