You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
