The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
