i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
