No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
