happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Farmville is her only friend.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
