i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we made out on top of his cat.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
