Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
