So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
