it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
