even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
