Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
