They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
