so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
