You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
