this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
