Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
