her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
