Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
