Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
