is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
