My sheets look like a crime scene.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
