he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
