im drinking this country out of the recession.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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