The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
