The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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