i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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