my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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