Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
