gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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