Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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