Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
