God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
