I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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