I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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