What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
