And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
