I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
