Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
