Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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