i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize