Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
