dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
