It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
