so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
