The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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