shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize