making cat noises will not fix the situation.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
