So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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