you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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