You're my little dorito
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
