Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
