my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
