so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
