i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
