At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
