I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
