It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
