I think I died a long time ago.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
operation have a gay friend backfired
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
