Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
