i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
