i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
