If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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